tell me it's not over

This is the first time I’ve been able to come back to tumblr since I posted about what happened. I’m still afraid to read it but I know that one day, I will have the courage to face it.

But now it’s time for part two of my summer ramblings… 

I have come to accept the fact that I am going to have an arranged marriage. I’m actually ok with it too. I just wish I could fast forward time though to that point in my life so that I can just get it over with already and move on with my life.

My mind is a weird jumble of emotions and thoughts right now. I really should dedicate different posts to each of these topics but I know that I’m not going to be able to so here goes…

When my sister told me that Mr. Ferguson didn’t leave Trinity but that he got fired for refusing to take a class to help his alcoholism, I was relieved. and maybe a little bit sad. but mostly relieved. I finally felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and that I could move on. She told me that he was sending emails to students saying inappropriate things. She knew about the texts and messages that said “I love you. I admire you. I trust you. I don’t know anyone I love or believe in more.” But what she doesn’t know is that I was one of those students. I think what really made me feel better was that I wasn’t alone. There were other students. I’d love to be able to find out who, but I know that I won’t be able to. I know that it’s useless. I also feel a little bit of regret and guilt because I know that I should have said something when it was happening to me. I should have told someone, but I was just too afraid. That’s another reason I kind of want to know who else was a victim because I admire her so so much for stepping forward. She has no idea she’s helped me but she’s prevented so many other girls from being hurt in this way. I want to thank her, thank her for not having the courage to do what I should have, what I thought about, what I wanted to do but never could. 

The only thing that worries me is that he’s still out there. He may not be working at Trinity, but he may be working at another school now, and I don’t want girls there to feel the same way I felt. I know it’s not the worst thing that could happen, but it still takes a toll and affects you in a way that it shouldn’t.

I’ve been very hesitant to use the word victim till now to describe what happened. I definitely felt like a victim, but I didn’t feel justified in using the term to describe me. The affliction wasn’t that bad. I hadn’t been touched inappropriately, which is what I only thought consisted of sexual harassment at the time. In retrospect, it could have been termed that. Emotional sexual harassment is just as bad a calamity, it too deserves a response just as strong. 

For the last two and half years of my high school career I was afraid to enter that building. I was afraid I might run into him, I was afraid I would have to duck and hide, that I’d be caught alone and he’d stop me and ask me to explain myself and the sudden cut off of communication and confidence. I would not even look down that hallway in fear of making eye contact with him. I changed all my routes at school to avoid him, memorized his schedule so I wouldn’t have to even see his presence across campus. 

Today for the first time in 3 years, I felt safe walking into the building. I looked down the hallway and realized that my terrors no longer remained. When the time comes and I have the strength, I’ll walk down the hallway and look into that classroom, head strong and uplifted, not fearing anyone. 

Whatever. It’s the end of the semester. I’ll just enjoy myself.

I’ve been putting this off for a bit, but I think it’s time to admit it. I need to move on. I need to distance myself from him, which is ironic because he’s using me to distance himself from someone else. Regardless, we have two and a half weeks left and then we’ll be gone and I’ll have a whole summer to find someone else and just get over it. I can’t wait.